He's really gone . . .

It's hard to believe it's really been two years. It seems like so long ago, yet I remember so much of it as if it were yesterday. The pain is still so real, the hurt, the empty dad shaped whole that is slowly being stictched back up with little stiches, but knowing at the same time that it won't be exactly as it used to be. God can heal the brokenheart, but there will never be another father to me here on earth. Thankfully I have a Heavenly father who loves me and cares about each hurt and each tear I cry. I miss you dad . . . I won't forget . . . .

“Ramsey? This is Jim Chwaszczewski, there has been a family emergency and I need you to come to your mother’s house right away.” His tone serious, and direct.

“Right now? I’m done in about 45 minutes, can it wait?” I asked not knowing what to do because I couldn’t just let Adam close the store alone.

“It can’t wait.” The urgency in his tone was unmistakable. It was then when I could feel my stomach start tying itself in knots. I knew what it meant, even if it shouldn’t. I knew who it was about, but I forced myself not to believe it or else I didn’t know if I would be able to handle it.

“Is my mom okay?” I asked.

“Well, she’s here. You need to come here right away.”

“Okay, I’ll be there as soon as I can.”

I told Adam he needed to close the store by himself, and that there was some kind of family emergency. I stood there for a second after and told him I didn’t know what to do. I felt pulled to run out the door as fast as I could to be there for my mom, but at the same time felt horrible about leaving him to close the store alone, even if it was dead that night. So I stood there and finally forced myself to leave and face the one thing I didn’t want to face. The thought that my dad wasn’t okay, and that my apprehensions about him leaving for Australia and not coming back . . . May have been more real than I tried to convince myself they were.

I grabbed my purse and jumped into my car. I kept reminding myself to take deep breaths or else I knew I’d have a panic attack.

“It’s all going to be okay, Ramsey. You just need to get to your moms and you can’t do that if you’re hyperventilating.” I told myself.

“God I need your help, because I don’t think I can face this with out you. I need you right now. Help me breathe.”

I somehow made it safely to her house, not sure how well I drove, but my driving wasn’t my top priority at the time. I walked through the side door into the kitchen and saw Jim standing there. Once I was in the house it all becomes so blurry. I can’t even remember now who it was who told me. I just remembering looking at my mom and seeing her tear stricken face. The horror and complete loss of control that filled her. Deep down I knew it was real, but everything in my body ached for it to be a dream, or some kind of mistake. My dad was dead. Gone.

Father God. You told me to call you father, abba, daddy. You are the one who heals me, you are the one who gathers my tears. Without you I'm helpless, yet my flesh tells me I'm strong. Lord it was You who brought me through my lowest moments and You who have given me the only peace I've known, when will I completely surrender? When will I give you all of my life and now hold back pieces. Will you have to take away everything I love before I surrender? Oh Lord soften my heart so my eyes can't be taken off of You. Break me, but love me. Hold me. May Your peace be with me. Remind me that I stand atop the rock that is my salvation. Whisper to me reminders of your sovereignty. Lord, and I smile as You promise me that  you will finish the work you begain in me.

You are my God, and I will ever praise you. I will meet you in the morning, and I will learn to walk in your ways. Step by step you lead me. I will follow you all of my days.

I love you Lord. Thank you for my being my father and giving me an earthly father that reminded me so much of you.

I'm listening to "My Deliever" by Rich Mullins. I hope some of you have heard it but I know the chance is high that you have not. Here's the lyrics although the song is a beautiful one.

"Joseph took his wife and child and they went to Africa to escape the rage of a deadly king.

 There along the banks of the Nile, Jesus listened to the song that the captive children used to sing.

They were singing My Deliverer is coming, my deliverer is standing by.

Through a dry and thirsty land, water from the Keynan heights pours itself out of lake San Guez broken heart.

There in the Sierra winds, Jesus heard the whole world cry for the healing that would pour from His own scares.

The World was singing My deliverer is coming, My deliverer is standing by.

He will never break His promise, He has written it across the sky.

I will never doubt His promise, though I doubt my heart I doubt my eyes.

My Deliverer is coming, My deliverer is standing by.

I am delivered out of Satans hands. How AWESOME. Think about Satans hands and how deceptive and  unfufilling they are. How deceitful, vain, destructive. Satan wants me to suffer and be in misery. He wants me to hurt, Satan wants me to die. I am delivered from Satans hand like the Isrealies were delivered from Pharoh's army. I am free from the sin that bound me to misery and in the end death. 

How many of us (Christians) realize that Jesus Christ has delivered us from eternal Hell?? Jesus Christ delivered me from Hell,  so why am I less than vocal about sharing Him to people I love? Do I not want them to be delivered as well? or am I just afraid that they may be scared about me "pushing my (so-called) religion on them?" If I read the bible correctly it says that brother will be against brother and father against daughter. If I share in love the message of the cross and they are offended it is not me which they are offended by but by Jesus Christ. Jesus Christ said it would happen. If it's not in love and I'm just trying to be self-righteous than that is my fault.

Sometimes I feel like I am writing a book or something other than journaling. ho hum. I think thats all for now

I have learned some wonderful things the past 3 weeks......

How humbled I become when I read Your Word oh Lord. Rachelle came to visit 2 weeks ago. It was truely an awesome time. I'm thankful to have her as a friend. I was humbled though having her as our guest. To the outside world it would look like the world is falling down on her. Her parents are messed up beyond what I even know. She's gone through more things than I would have ever dreamed of. She hasn't lived with her parents in years, but with foster parents who have loved her and trained her up in a Christian home yet it just seems as though everything keeps tumbling down on her. Her half-sister is dying of cancer, not to mention so much drama from her real family that seems to haunt her. The awesome thing is, as much as all that seems to suck. The whole time she was here she seemed to have her nose in the Bible. She would read and read and you could tell that she had a joy and a peace about everything as long as she was in the Word. Now don't get me wrong....she's cried, she's struggled, she's been tossed to and fro by Satans warfare, but it was how she handled it that is what blessed me. She just kept looking up. Praise the Lord for your mighty work in her life. I know that its been you Lord. For I see it in her life. I'm not trying to give a testimony so much of Rachelle, but of you Lord when you do your wonderful works. May we all learn to truely look to You, our Lord and King.

That was lesson one which later developed into lesson two.

After she had left to go to her real mom's house and then later her foster parents back home....I realize how much time of my day I waste. If I'm bringing absolutely nothing with me to Heaven but my soul, then why do I waste so much time on petty things of earth. Why am I wasting so much of my free time watching tv. I should be in the Word. If the Lord is really as important to me as I claim Him to be, why wouldn't I want to spend that time with Him. He's supposed to be my best friend, yet I treat him as a mere aquaintence so much of the time. So, I did just as one usually does when completly humbled before His presence and I dove in. Genesis, Exodus, and now I am about to start Levitcus. The Word of God is truly living. As I was going through Exodus I started to get bored....why did I have to read about every procedure they had to do to make them completely holy before they went into the temple. I started to skip some verses and jump ahead hoping that it would be done soon, but I realized that it went for quite awhile. Then I got it. I understood. How dare I think that just anyone can just waltz into the presence of our Lord like it ain't no thing. WE ARE COVERED IN SIN. Don't misunderstand me, I have been cleaned and redeemed by the blood of Jesus Christ, but in Exodus they didn't have that choice yet. God was showing them their sin. It seems so harsh and so serious, but that's because we as humans think nothing of sin. If God hadn't been like that we never would have got it until it was too late and we were surrounded ourselves by the gnashing of teeth. He's showing us truly how sinful we are so then when Jesus did come we actually understood what a sacrifice this was. I gained a whole new respect for the Lord this week. He truly is my Lord, my Father, my Loving Gracious and Holy Reedemer, but He is also a righteous judge who hates sin. He doesn't hate the sinner, for if He did He wouldn't have offered His only Son as a sacrifice. How stupid I was to think that I deserve anything, for without Christ's blood I would still be covered in my sin. Oh Lord. I love you. Thank you so much for truly being a perfect God. You are Holy not because of what You have done but because of who You are. I am truly thankful for what You have done, saving me from the pits of hell, the eternal life of the result of sin. May I learn to make You a higher priority in my life, Your Word the most important thing I do each day and mold me to be more and more like You. I love you. Thank you again for your forgiveness on the Cross....I pray that more people realize what truth really is. That we are all sinners who have the option to live in their sin, or to surrender to You in repentence and become pure and holy in His sight.

Your friend,

Ramsey